Fear and Loathing in Second Life Part 4: Happiness is a Warm Gun

by Gideon Television

On Saturday, I finished my last piece, just before deadline. "The Best Little Whorehouses in Second Life". Catchy. With a title like that, no-one would miss the irony. At least, not unless they were OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS.

By Sunday, the feces, as they say, had not so much hit the fan, as had ricocheted back into my face, adding a visceral edge to the shit-eating grin I was already wearing. Angry strippers, jealous husbands, enraged pimps - I was getting hit on all sides, even threatened with elimination from Second Life.

But this is a fair world, a civil and just world. A world where safety systems are enabled so that grievances can be resolved in a calm and resolute manner. And so I put that theory into practice.

I went shopping for the biggest badass gun money could buy. With pictures.

It's said that once only alchemists knew the secret of turning dull lead into gold. Now that trick belongs to Lil Carducci, overseer of a thriving firearms, gambling and sex empire. If you crave it, Lil can supply it. Here's me walking the aisle of his gun emporium.

Choosing the right firearm is like selecting the right narcotic. Too weak and you'll barely feel the essential rush. Too strong and it's liable to blow the head clean off without any suffering. And Mother Superior always told me, that suffering makes us stronger.

After heavily tipping a sales guy to leave me the fuck alone, I decide on the Magnum Desert Eagle. Nearly five pounds of cold steel, with a twelve inch barrel that completely rules it out as a concealed weapon. But that's not the point. This is a gun I WANT you to see coming, you whining Motherfuckers.

I take it to the firing range, where we cosy up and get acquainted. The first time you pick up a firearm, you can't just roughly stick your finger in, like a Frat boy on date night. You've got to romance her, gently take her in hand, and make her understand who's the Master and who's the Sub.

Leaving Carducci's, I pick up a bottle of Cutty Sark to steady my aim, along with a stuffed bear that sings Elvis songs. He asks me to Love Him Tender, and I decide to oblige by making it a threesome.

Staring down the barrel of the .50, I slowly push it into his goddam musical mouth, feeling the notes choke in his terrified little throat, as he realizes Elvis is about to leave the building. It's a serene moment, our eyes meeting like estranged lovers, before the Teddy is dispatched to meet his Toymaker.

In my twisted gut, I know that out there, somewhere, at the same time as politicians begin to make speeches here, there's a new Hinkley, a Bickle-wannabee, looking out over the water from a lonely pier with a gun in hand, fixing to be the first SL resident to assassinate a candidate, to become a new Superstar.

And I thank Linden for the terrifyingly few sane ones like myself, that are here to help keep those crazies in check.

This is Gideon Television, Superstar™, reporting directly from Second Life.

(This piece originally appeared in YesButNoButYes.)

Comments

[SunShine Kukulcan]

Nice try..but you should have bought yourself the Black Widows by Aubretech. Now thems some weeeepons!! Contact me for a demo....*grins and pats her Widows*

SunShine

[Sol Cult]

I prefer my Vengeance for personal defense. Three fire-rate settings(single, three-round burst, auto) and a nice supply of various ammo such as cages, foam, phantom, damage, push, shieldbreaker, etc. They have them for sale over at
Exclusive Weapons. Not to mention they're a neat gauntlet three-barreled design too.

[Urizenus]

We need a Weapons Desk Reporter at the Herald. I can't keep up with the gun tech anymore.

[Lewis Nerd]

I prefer the one I picked up at "Core chicken and waffles" which fires suicide chickens at people.

Lewis

[Banana Stein]

lol - looks like you were using my dock to kill that bear.... heheheee you better have cleaned up or Yxes will kick your .....

[marilyn murphy]

recently myself and a few friends also set out to find the best gun in sl. our methods were different tho. we went to jessie and argued with some of the boy toys there til they talked about guns with us.
after doing some actual testing, shooting avatars to see how far it pushed them, shooting avatars with shields to judge penetration ability. and killing volunteer avatars wearing shields, we determined that the best weapon was a freebie, picked up over a year ago.
i think that the glitz around weapons is all about looks and style. the actual script and ability seems to be determined by the size of the invisible prim that its loaded in.

[Warspite Fackler]

The most badass gun in SL is the Sinistar. Period.

[Carl Mason]

Great article. I really think the most innovative weapon EVER was the Sinistars, and it's were I cast my vote. Best design, best concept, hottest creator, best everything. The scripts started off shakey but after a couple months of updates it's the gun most people use, just because it's totally unique and original. If you wanted to actually wear a gun for sheer fashion only or glitz like Marilyn put it, it's got pure style. If you ever saw Equilibrium, the gun works a lot like that.

One other gun that people forget about is also the Outland Tech rifle. I don't remember the name because it's almost a full year old but it was decent too. Both it and the Sinistar actually had original designs.

[Lupus Delacroix]

Uri between myself and my alt I own at least one gun from every single major weapons maker in SL, want some writups I'm your man ;)

[Eata Kitty]

All that and you went and paid for a freebie?

[Artemis Fate]

Ahahaha Carducci's. Really a great business man, he managed to take theses shitty low-quality weapons (sometimes taken/stolen from freebies), slap phrases all over them like "shield killer" and "high power" and then sell them at usually double the normal prices to people who equate price to quality.

[Raideur Ng]

I have never bought a firearm during my stay in SL. However I certainly wanted to be well armed. Took freebies and made new models and redid the scripts. Right now I sell alot of guns at Armory Island. Guns have their niche. Some want a gangsta pistol. Some want an alien plasma cannon. Some want just something to get rid of idiots, others want to walk around looking like someone from WWII(which is my niche market.)

Guns are just part of the outfit. Like earings, glasses, or a jetpack.