Op/Ed: Second Life Smut Must Be Purged!

End Linden orgies for a better, more decent world

by Miss Petunia Amaryllis Courtney Taliaferro, Second Life League of Decency

Linden Lab has decided to uproot the nefarious weeds sown by  Second Life’s salacious Sybarites. My sisters and brothers in the League of Decency will assist in the painful process of purging perversion from our presence.

Caveat Lector: Dear reader, if you don’t have reading skills to fathom my brilliance, you should either get yourself a copy of Webster’s New Collegiate or go play some children’s game with simpler words. 

Now on to my story.

I risked health and maidenly honour at an free-sex “club,” where I did some first-hand research. Even that notorious deviant Oscar Wilde would blanche at the offenses to good taste and decency that I saw on display. I have recovered enough from the vapors that nearly overcame me to call you to arms!

Here are the first targets for SLOD’s righteous rage:

Talking Nether Regions: Well, I never. Why on earth would you want THAT to talk? Surely this is a sign of moral, if not mental, weakness. I am shocked and appalled that anyone would want (to use a coarse term) his manly pointer to SAY things to a lady about the ever-changing state of his Xcitement. Worse still, why would anyone wish for a lady’s (oh, I must be bold) tunnel of love to answer?

The So-Called BDSM “Community”:  While some deluded girl danced in the altogether, a hooded ruffian with the title “Master of Pain” looked on with fiendish glee.  He was the one needing a good lashing, which SLOD will administer as soon as stocks and triangles can be erected at Welcome Areas as a warning to newly arriving perverts.

Certain “Toys”: The strange contortionist devices stagger the imagination and would surely leave a reveler spent, broken, and further lured into the pits of sin that defile, yet define, the Second Life experience. I fled before my chaste looks and buxom figure could draw the attention of some degenerate who might wish to defile me after strapping my body to one of those infernal contraptions.

Unmarried Women Having Prim Babies: They must be purged.  Those baby-stores are invitations to fall from grace. Show me your marriage license first, ladies, and only then may you push a perambulator!

Jumpman Lane: He must be expunged. Utterly expunged. That’s a word he does not understand so I’m certain we’ll get him by surprise.

As soon as vice has been cleansed from the mainland areas of Second Life, SLOD will work hand-in-hand with Linden Lab to improve your Second Lives. To whit:

Better Entertainments To Replace all Palaces of Vice: I envision formal teas, salons with poetry readings by wonderful artistes from the past, such as Colley Cibber, and modern wordsmiths of uplifting work, such as Septimus Severus Legume.

Crude Art Will Vanish: I find it hard to fathom how a man named “Filthy Fluno” could be the subject of a feature on the arts in no less than the New York Times. Mr. Fluno’s work is incomprehensible to those with delicate sensibilities—and thus quite likely lewd. When he is cast away on Pervert Island…I mean the new adult continent…great art, like the SLOD’s collection of lace doilies and still lives, can be shown to discerning avatars.

No More Linden Orgies: Burning Life, which is an invitation to riot like the Maenads of Dionysus, will be transformed into Tepid Life, a showcase of all that is uplifting. We’ll have the thespians perform theatrical masterpieces such as “Oh, My Heart Yearns For Diddly Valley” and “Tut Tut, Quoth the Scissors-Grinder.”

Join me in this better future. You have nothing to lose but your sin.

Comments

[Cjay]

One word...... "Stupid"

[urizenus sklar]

I agree with the part about Jumpan Lane. Oh, and talking nethers have to go too. I couldn't agree more.

[lol]

"Jumpman Lane: He must be expunged. Utterly expunged. That’s a word he does not understand so I’m certain we’ll get him by surprise."

It's golden. I lol'd.

[Miss Florida-Petals Calixta Plushbottom]

The Central Committee of Secondlife Task Force on Uncleanliness (STFU) hereby denounces as liberal and permissive the work of the libertines of SLOD. Miss Petunia is known to enjoy strong spirits and waltzes. These are abominations that must be removed from the real and virtual worlds, posthaste. We also denounce any flesh shown on avatars aside from wrists and faces. Until our Permaclothing Initiative™ can be instituted, STFU will begin forcibly clothing avatars in various unsavory places. We will also imprison Jumpman Lane immediately until he becomes reformed enough to release again. That may take some time.

Join us, or feel our wrath!

[moses]

okay. how terrible. your electric pizda has to go...you will also have to turn in your talking willy. you will have to have real sex. in the real world. do you remember how ?
but i should not laugh. i am still limping from that time i try to fly across my property to visit my neighbors in the next block. and i will not even talk about those worthless pose stands they installed in the middle of the street...who in hell is 'SEWER' any way. i try to IM this resident but always i get no answer.

[ya but...]

ya but uri, word on the street is that more than half of what you know and have learned to be true actually came from those "talking nethers". learnt all you can there pal? LOL sorry, couldnt help it. hopefully you got a good laugh : )

[mootykips]

"Jumpman Lane: He must be expunged. Utterly expunged. That’s a word he does not understand so I’m certain we’ll get him by surprise."

Damn.

[Stephie]

Best article ever simply because of the so true comment about Jumpman.

[Professor C]

I have to agree this is total win. Jumpman is the flagship newbie attitude. He's the type of guy no one wants around and (interesting fact find) He actually has paid people to have sex with him, paid friends to stay with him, and had to pay off a few people to keep them from going against him. More info as it comes in.

[Orion]

You know I hate it when I'm right... But hey, I told you all this was going to happen! :/

[Corona Anatine]

im just curious as to whether the male and female bits talk when separate or when combined in a glove like manner
and is the level of conversation the samein both cases

is there a handy phrase book ?

[Corona Anatine]

sex will be just the start

both the puritans and the taliban

banned music and dancing

you will eventually only be permitted to veiw a blank grey screen all else will be deemed immoral

[Mildred Corkscrew]

Whatever floats your boat.
I reccommend a seclix rave pacifier, and a dolcett dinner.

[Zachnifine Zenovka]

Lame... what happened to creative freedom hu?.. its a bloody game.. everyone(or it should be everyone) on the grid is 18 or older... guess what.. thats LEGAL ADULT... go cencor the teen grid, leave the adult grid alone

[Miss Florida Petal Calixta Plushbottom]

In regards to Zachnifine's comment, "what happened to creative freedom" I must reply that purveyors of filthy material deserve NONE. They will be excluded from our midst or punished. We hope that the co-called "griefing" community can be enlisted to assist STFU's noble aims, at least for the Furry-sex perversions.

Ah yes, Corona gets to the crux of the matter: Project Gray Screen™, our plan in case the Permaclothing Initiative™ and Pervert Island of Exile™ do not eradicate smut from SL. Music and dancing induce fornication. They must go.

But Corona is incorrect about the Taliban: they were too liberal. They permitted sexual congress within marriage. It must be eradicated in all cases so civilization may advance.

[Reality]

A joke piece or not ... this is just about the most idiotic thing I have ever read and a prime reason why Humanity as a whole is worthy of being exterminated.

Anyone that thinks the way the Puritans or ANY extremist religious group does needs to see a psychiatrist concerning their childhood and their pent up urges ASAP.

If you want to fight human nature - go ahead and try: You will LOSE every time.

[Nidol]

I lol'd. THIS WOMAN HAS EARNED HER PLACE OUTSIDE OF THE KITCHEN

[anonymous]

Clearly a joke article. Were it not, the author should be prepared to financially support those regions compelled to conform to stated restriction. As residents will quickly move to regions that support and nurture their full creative freedoms (taking their $L and tier with them).

[Archie Lukas]

Oscar Wilde was only into homosexual relationships and was a bit of a dweeb too.

Not a good choice.
The Marquis de Sade might have been better - he had his limits too........