Upcoming Changes for Hillbilly Content™

LL making metaverse safe for serious business

by Pappy Enoch, investigative reporter

Posted by Jethro Linden on Mar 13, 2009 7:00:02 AM

Second Life™ has, until now, been an open place where Residents can explore a wide variety of creative pursuits.  This has resulted in a vast amount of unsavory and corporate-hostile content in-world.

In keeping with our recently announced decision to create a special zone for adult content, informally known as Linden PG™ (for “Project Guantanamo”) we decided to roll out another change.

Since they provide an easy target during Stage One of Linden PG, we opted to focus on one particularly obnoxious subculture inword: hillbillies. They are well armed but, for now, few in number.  They also provide an important test-case for Stages Two and Three: The Furry Final Solution™ and The Gorean Emancipation Proclamation™.

I’ve recently overcome my hillbilly past; now Linden Lab will assist other benighted residents in overcoming theirs.

So now what?

Linden PG™ has four key guiding principles to work from, and we’d like you to consider them and share your thoughts:

1)    In addition to making cruel fun of the rural poor in particular and promoting classist thinking in general, Second Life’s growing, dare I say festering, hillbilly-lifestyle community violates several of our Community Standards.

2)    I’ll be more specific: Hillbilly culture is irredeemable. Consider one popular folk-song brought by hillbillies to the Southern Appalachians, “Mattie Groves.”  The lyrics include line such as “I slew a naked man!” and  “He stuck his wife right through the heart / And pinned her against the wall.” This song, the basis for much Bluegrass and so-called “Old-Timey” music, contains clear examples of misogyny and sexual violence.

3)    By giving jugs of moonshine, ripped coveralls, corn-cob pipes, and pointy black hats to anyone needing them, hillbilly culture does not properly support the in-world economy.  Until Stage Four (our transition to Microsoft Metaverse™), Linden Lab welcomes the right of residents to create and share free content, as long as gift-cultures such as the Hobos purchase their own islands and continue to pay tier.

4)    Hillbillies disdain the educational and enterprise customers we increasingly need to keep Second Life viable for us and for our retirement portfolios.  In fact, Linden Lab’s attempts at formal outreach to real-world hillbilly corporations have proven disappointing. Dollywood, Junior Samples, and The Grand Ole Opry refuse to answer our e-mails.

How can you participate?

You should report to our newly established Concierge of Culture™ all hillbilly sightings, including suspicious conduct such as whistling “Dixie,” wearing feed-caps, or yelling “Hoo whee!” after taking a drink.  Also be alert for bare feet outside designated Club Linden Beach Resorts™, rusted pickup trucks, and hound dogs. Report any alcohol served in jugs or mason jars in or outside the Happy-Hour Zones™ we will soon establish where drinking virtual spirits will be permitted.

If you are a virtual hillbilly, you have until June 1 to change your appearance.  This may be done at any of our Citification Camps™.  After June 1, all remaining hillbillies will be relocated to Tobacco Road™, an annex of Hobo Island™, where they can be properly re-educated.

While you may wish to remark on these policies, comments have been disabled in our forums, given the fact that we know what is best for you.

Dedicate your time to learning our new motto for the Metaverse: One Resident Base, One Continent, One CEO™.

Comments

[General Drama]

You dont need to dig into hillbilly music to find them violating TOS, just look at their gun culture. Obviously anybody who thinks a furry is good fer nuthin but shootin and puttin in the stew is going to piss off the LL furball FIC.

[Emperor Norton hears a who?]

Now let us be fair here General Drama; Furrys have only themselves to blame if they fatten themselves up so much to make good possum stew. In defense of Hillbillies they only take the weak and sickly Furrys so their will be a concern for the general health of the Furry community. If Hillbillies are removed from the SL natural-virtual environment there could be an overpopulation of Furrys, resulting in starvation and mass disease.

If SL ever looks like an Australian rabbit plague with starving Furrys gnawing the paint off our prims we can only blame ourselves our anti-Hillbilly bigotry.

[Sitearm Madonna]

must... stop... laffing...

You guys are the Geniuses of Goad, Masters of Mot, and Paragons of Parody!

[Pappy Enoch]

Thank Gawd they am sumbody tu stick up fo' us. I are cryin' my po' eyes out I are so happy now.

By Jingo! I gots an idear! Let's shoot sum Linden Gorillas--reckollect how they bangs on stuff when the Grid am down?

They am the worst sort o' Furry, in my book:

http://www.slprofiles.com/picturedetail.asp?id=55790&t=2

[target: fur]

I always thought that some shrewd business person could make some good profit if they could talk some worker avatars into dressing up in Furry Drag and then have them walk back and forth and around in a target area where regular people, with their favorite guns, could pay a small amount of Linden spacebux and in return, get like 10 minutes of free for all shooting fun where they can unload any and all weapons that they brought with them in the direction of any Furry in sight. Maybe have the furrys hide a little bit behind trees and stuff, and in holes, so when you find them and shoot them they pop up and start hollerin and baaaawin you know? THAT would be cool. I would show up to pay to blast furrys fairly regularly I bet. A furry shootin arcade!

[lol]

Jethro Linden dont exist

[Professor C]

Wow. I love this parody. This was done very well and you deserve points for the hilarity of this article.

I can honestly say I have nothing bad to troll about with this one.

[Melissa Yeuxdoux]

Of course, the quote from "Mattie Groves" is highly selective; the full line is "Never will I hear it said that I slew a naked man." You're right about the misogyny, though.

[Darling Brody]

This is a funny article and makes for some fun reading. However the photo is not funny when you think about what it really is. A large number of people are being torchered and impressioned with no trial and no chance of every be released. Probably not the best photo to be using. Why not get a bunch of furrys and build a cage around them in SL for the photo?

[Buddy Ebsen Linden]

And up through the ground came some bubbling crude.. black gold, Texas tea.

[Granny Clampett Linden]

Linden Lab deleted Jethro's account for allowing the truth of Linden PG to leak.

Murderers!