Luskwood Furries Mum on Lindens, Might be Brain-Eaters

by Pappy Enoch, Investigative Reporter

 

undercover reporter Pappy Enoch (far right) risks life in visit to fur enclave

Miz Pixeleen telled me to go git a story on them Furry-Critters and the Linden Lab rules on bein’ nekkid n’ gettin’ some action.  I also wanted to find out if’n any mean folks been pickin’ on them!

I knowed I could fit rite in a Luskwood because I are a furry man.  I gots mullet-hair on my head, a long ol’ ZZ Top beard, fur on my back, legs, and even my hind-parts. But no matter how I comb it over, and I tried, I ain’t got fur enough to be a critter. So I put on my go-rilla suit left from Halloween. Still smelled like Moonshine n’ MD 20/20 my date was swigging hard all nite.

So I went to Luskwood and guess what! I found me a murder-scene. I knowed I had a story.

When I got there, I fell off some steps—I were second-hand drunk from the smell in that go-rilla suit—and underneath I found me a head-bone from a dead man.  Won’t no fossil, like them homo-erections the science-fellers digs up. It were a mite big, but it were the spittin’ image o’ my second cousin, Festus Osiris Bugtussle, who has a big-ol’ hydroelectric head, the one with the water inside.

evidence of brain eating in Luskwood

Festus am alive an’ ornery, so I knowed it were some po’ boy who dun been killed dead. Somebody—now I ain’t say it were them critters—hid them bones under some boards, rite beside a box o’ crackers they used to scoop the brains out. 

I decided to quit the Herald rite then.

But it were too late! I heared them: angry-lookin’ Furry rascals, talkin’ like city folks (I had my hillbilly-city-folk translation thing on). Won’t no way to git out, so I reckoned I mite play reportur an’ hope to git a story before they killed me and et my brains on toast-points.

We memburs o’ the Fifth Collum needs to risk all fo’ our work:

Pappy Enoch: howdy y'all

Fur One: But the news would trickle out that everyone's mad as hell, and slowly build from rabble rabble rabble to cacophony.

Fur Two: I find myself having to agree with Fur One to an extent.

Fur Three: nothing is being handed out, at the time at least.

Pappy Enoch: y'all got a sec to speak to somebody from the media?

Fur Four: I like owning my bat, and others can too if they buy it.

Fur Five pokes people, points at Pappy. :B

 

Second Life furs - armed and dangerous

Pappy Enoch grins nervously, wipes dirt off “Press” badge and flashes it.

Fur Six: Pappy, the SL Herald will just make up whatever you guys wish, so, do you  really even -need- an interview? :P

Pappy Enoch: well, we can set the record straight

Fur Six: oh. I'm sure.

Pappy Enoch: my columns ain't never bashed no furs. Lindens, yep. Prudes, yep. City folks, yep. I'll just report what ya'll say

Pappy Enoch: well, let me ask y'all--do you get griefers often?

Fur Seven: What are griefers?

Pappy Enoch: well...read the Herald comments :)

[Stony-lonesome silence follows]

 

Pappy Enoch in Luskwood

Pappy Enoch: let me try this one then...how will the LL policies change Luskwood?

Fur Six: heh. "the LL policies" ? LL's new anti-tree policy is going to be the ruin of luskwood.

Fur Seven: I suppose we'll have to move to a shrub then.

Fur Eight: I like cactus

Pappy Enoch: say...WHO was the one who's head-bone am by the Welcome spot?

Pappy Enoch: looked a mite like an old Herald Reporter we done lost a while back...

Fur Six: what you mean Fred? Fred's dead.

[Now they all was a little bitty bit closer to me]

Pappy Enoch: bye now... (edging away)

Fur Eight: Dead head fred.

Fur Seven: thats right

Fur Nine: That reminds me.

Fur Nine: I want some pocky

Fur Seven: He rose from the grave to eat his pocky.

Pappy Enoch: FEETS DO YO’ STUFF!!!

I knowed it! “Pocky” means “brains” in Fur-language!  Less’n I can git some straight-talk out o’ them Furry Critters….I reckon we must all conclude that them rascals am eatin’ human brains in there.

Miz Pixeleen, if’n you needs follow-up at Luskwood, send ol’ Jumpman over there. Since them Furries am keen on brains, he won’t have no trouble.

Comments

[moses]

this time i think you have not just scrape 'the bottom of the barrel' but when you are done you will need a new barrel because there is no more bottom in it.

[Karl Reisman]

Trolling the furs.. this is news? Can we have some issues please? this doesn't even work as an April Fool Joke.

--Karl

[Miss Petunia Amarylis Courtney Taliaferro]

Thank God Moses has, so to speak, parted the Red Sea to reveal the utter depravity of this bumpkin-reporter, Pappy Enoch. He must be hounded from the face of SL....SLOD knows him to be culpable in all manner of unclean acts. Perhaps he was in Lustwood...I mean Muskwood...oh, whatever it is called to find a partner for some contortionist and sweaty act of bestiality!

Tut tut, Alphaville Herald! And just when I thought you to the upholders of purity and wholesome values.

[Urizenus Sklar]

You know Pix, one of these days Pappy is going to get in over his head and some fur or gorean master is going to ass rape the moonshine out of him. And on that day it will be on you for sending him out there alone to face the mean streets of SL.

[Pappy Enoch]

"one of these days Pappy is going to get in over his head and some fur or gorean master is going to ass rape the moonshine out of him"

Ain't nuffin worse'n happened tu me in prison. And now I is gettin' PAID tu git bent over!

Ain't them Gorean boys homophonic? I don't reckon they's intermerested in no boy's hind-parts. As for them Furs, I'll dose up on Ex-Lax befo' I goes back to Luskwood.

[Urizenus Sklar]

Pappy's philosophy: Don't git bent over fer free!

[Pappy Enoch]

Yep.

[Business Nerdette]

omg a new LL anti-tree policy?! THIS TIME THE LABSTERS HAVE GONE TOO FAR !

[GreenLantern Excelsior]

So are you saying those furries were man eaters?

Pappy fo' President!